Auntie Ma Erse

Albert Kirk Jr

A lass fae Auchtermuchty

Cuid cleck a cuir for cancer

Or seek the pairt o Noah's Airk

An come up wi the answer;

An lads fae Ecclefechan

Cuid find the Holy Grail

Or flee abune tae Maurs an back

An leeve tae tell the tale;

A quine fae Ballachulish

Cuid rescue eichty weans

Fae sair ill-hertit pirates

An bring them hame agane;

An chiels fae Auchenshuggle

Cuid gang tae Palestine

An gar a saucht wi Israel

Tae mak them hale an fine.

Ye'd want tae hear thir stories

Fae oot Pacific Quay,

But no a wird ye'd get fae thaim,

The sleekit BBC:

They urnae intae giein us

The wittins o the warld

In weys that shaw wur kintra

In the mids o ilka birl;

They troke wi sklentie patter

Tae dae auld Scotland doon

An cry us puir an stupit wi

Thir copy fit for loons:

A duchess got a herrcut?

A chanter got his hole?

An actor played a fitba match

An cuidnae score a goal?

Yer grannie broke her wallies?

Yer mammy cannae knit?

Yer daddy cannae go tae bed

Wioot a dummy tit?

Thon's the kind o blethers that

Wur Auntie gies the Jocks

For fear we stert tae think wursels

A fowk they cannae knock;

The bastarts tak wur siller quick;

They tak the pish an aw;

The day we steek thir leein mooth

Is siccar tae be braw.