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Guid Fences Mak Guid Neibours

(Beseekin forgieness fae Rab Frost)

Albert Kirk Jr


Mind o thon hingmy that disnae luve waws?

A'll see it murthert afore a brick faws!

Gie me impediments up tae the mune,

Forrit tae Saturn an faurer abune,

Richt oot tae Pluto an aw the wey back,

Weirin ma hame fae heronious Jacks;

Billet some sodgers fae mornin tae nicht

Tae fleg aff the skaith wi aw o thair micht;

Howk oot a stank wi an eichty-fit drap

For droonin the swine whae teens me wi crap!

Ma neibour, ye see, is randie an hyte,

A heich-heidit bruit whae thinks A'm a gyte,

A canglesome dobber, yaupit tae fecht,

Whae ettles tae smush ma dwallin wi swecht;

He cannae abide the sicht o ma heid,

The waff o ma braith, the soond o ma leid,

An spends ilka meenit weeshin me herm,

Pairtin oot trauchles as lang as ma airm:

Cairvin ma hurdies for something tae eat,

Luntin ma bawhair tae savour the heat;

Tellin ma gaffer A think she's a hure,

Scabbit an chairgin a quid for an oor;

Pumpin ma dugs tae get whalps o his ilk,

Speanin wi pushion insteid o thair milk;

Tannin ma hoose whan A've left for the Fair,

Clartin ma cairpet wi keech on the flair;

Sneckin ma siller tae kythe A'm ill-aff,

Warnin ma pals that A'm aye on the scaff;

Clypin tae wirthies aboot ma misluck,

Threapin A get aw ma scran fae the sheuch;

Peyin the polis tae pit me in jile,

Makkin up fauseheids tae mak ye resile;

Gettin ma laddie tae cry me a beast,

Dautin ma dochter an clauchtin her breists;

Chibbin ma brither in front o his weans,

Dushin ma sister an brekkin her banes;

Winchin ma auntie an druggin her wine,

Shawin ma uncle the photies online;

Roupin ma faither tae gaither some reif,

Fellin ma mither tae lauch at ma grief;

Gie'n us the bill for the bluid on his shuin

Efter he's bootit ma grannie's teeth in…


This is the bugger that's makkin me flyte,

A damnt belligerous covetous SHITE!

Whaur is this freedom that Barbour kent weel?

Sin monie ur thaim whae sup wi the Deil,

Champin yer neb efter garrin ye cowp,

Cryin ye sorny an stentin yer scowp;

They'r for the watchin, an dinnae gie ower

Keepin yer een on this slidderie shower:

Yin couthie meenit they'r clappin yer croon

An neist thing ye ken they'r snibbin ye doon,

Sae fordel up boolders, mortar an aw,

An aye tak tent o the set o yer waws;

As for ma neibour, ya bucket o graith,

Tak a bauld tellin fae yin whae is wraith:

A'll mind ma haundlins gin ye mind yer ain,

An niver gae naur ma kintra agane.

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