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  • albertkirkjunior

Scotstober 2021

Updated: Apr 1, 2022

At the hind end o September A seen a post on Twitter fae Michael Dempster (@DrMDempster) aboot a thing he wis daein cried Scotstober. The idea wis that ye wid scrieve a post yaisin a Scots wird o the day as selectit by Dr D., an ye wid dae it aw the wey through October.

For guid ur for ill, A decidit tae dae limericks, which A've pit ablow tae kittle an delicht. A've chynged yin ur twa a wee tait fae whit A postit, whaur A thocht it wid mebbe mak them better, but A hivnae duin thon ower muckle. Tae be candid wi ye, it's juist a wee bit o daffery sae dinna tak it sairious.

Onyweys, feast yer een on ma Scotstober warks, an here's tae Scotstober Twinty-Twinty-Twa 😀

There yince wis a felly cried Dirk

Whae bidit aside an auld kirk

He kept oot o sicht

By tombstanes at nicht

An gied folk a fricht in the mirk



There yince wis a felly cried Shug

Whae bet aw his siller on dugs

He thocht he wis seelie

But he wisnae really

Sae got in tae debt tae his lugs



There yince wis a lassie cried Betty

Whase oxters wur clarty an sweaty

She washit each nicht

But try as she micht

She stinkit lik foostie spaghetti



There yince wis a lassie cried Jean

Whae shoogled her hurdies a wheen

She wore oot her breeks

In eicht tae ten weeks

An polished her erse tae a sheen



There yince wis a felly cried Bell

Whase cludgie wis eldritch as Hell

He speired for a wish

Got drookit in pish

An couldnae get rid o the smell



There yince wis a lassie cried Shaw

Whae bidit on tap o a wa

Tae get tae the toon

She hid tae dreep doon

An cadge a wee hurl fae her paw



There yince wis a felly cried Fairley

Whase prostate afflictit him sairly

He gied it a push

Tae try for a skoosh

An did he spue lichtsomely? Barely



There yince wis a felly cried Mather

Whae couldnae abide drumlie wather

When glintin wis dreich

He'd mump "This is keech"

An ither sich scunnersome blather



There yince wis a lassie cried Gail

Whae ate muckle buckets o kail

She scoffit twa ton

Then pumped lik a gun

An blew her painch intae her pail



There yince wis a felly cried Cree

Whase gibbie goat stuck up a tree

He sprauchlit abune

But the cat it fell doon

Sae he gaithert the bits for his tea



There yince wis a lassie cried Annie

Whae spent ilka oor wi her mannie

She took him tae Ayr

He shat on the flair

An she says "Whit a boorach, ya fanny."



There yince wis a goalie cried Nash

Whae playin at fitba wis gash

The fans wur appalled

Thit he couldnae catch cauld

An he swithert in ilka stramash



There yince wis a loon cried MacClure

Whase coupon wis aye awfy dour

Tae cheer up the swine

Ye hid tae bring wine

An tickle his plums for an oor



There yince wis a programme cried Stookie

Aboot a wee guy whae wis plookie

The show wis for weans

Sae f**ks there wur nane

An naebody got ony nookie



There yince wis a felly cried Lang

Whae lowpit whauriver he'd gang

He jookit tae Nairn

Tae stot ower a bairn

An cam doon tae Earth in Pyongyang



There yince wis a lassie cried Grace

Whae wisnae dumfoonert by wraiths

The ghaists wid gae "BOO!"

She'd feel a wee grue

Then habber "Get oot o ma face!"



There yince wis a laddie cried Bain

Whae wis rife for grassin up weans

He'd glower an gype

Then run aff an clype

Aboot aw the hings they wur daein



There yince wis a felly cried Bruce

Whae spent ilka day in his hoose

His vittals wur puir

He ate anely stour

An anely supped milk fae a moose



There yince wis a felly cried Wayne

Whase mither an faither wur slain

The bugger wis pawkie

He dressed lik a bawkie

An faucht wi The Joker (insane)



There yince wis a lassie fae Harris

Whae went for a jig doon the Barras

She let oot a skirl

An hid a wee birl

Wi welders fae Fairfield's an Yarras



There yince wis a felly cried Reid

Whae hidnae a hair on his heid

He wantit a beard

But sich wis his weird

He steyed baldie til he wis deid



There yince wis a quine cried MacKay

Whae raither than "yes" wid say "aye"

Some folk wurnae chuffed

An went in the huff

An naebdy can unnerstaun why



There yince wis a lad cried MacGee

Whae fun a deid dug up a tree

He gied it a skelp

Tae get it tae yelp

But anely got thairm in his ee



There yince wis a bogle cried Eck

Whase heid wis apairt fae his neck

He'd cairry it roon

In a broon knittit goon

Thit he hid toukit intae his kecks



There yince wis a felly cried Scobie

Whae liked tae keek intae folks' lobbies

He'd wark oot the risk

Then hiv a wee glisk

An hope thit he'd swatch a few boabies



There yince wis a lassie cried Jean

Whae went oot tae guise for Halleen

She sang lik a lintie

In flats she went intae

An shared aw her sweets wi her freens



There yince wis a lad fae Tranent

Whae bocht a wee hoose on a sklent

He feart it micht faw

Sae checked aw the waws

An pit gibs ahin an anent



There yince wis a bauchle cried Boris

Whase herr wis lik birks oot a forest

He thocht hissel fine

But pit folk in mind

O tuirds fae a megalosaurus



There yince wis a laddie cried Billy

Whae skreicht when he flittit tae Killie:

"Halleen isnae richt,

It's on the wrang nicht!"

But ilka yin thocht he wis silly




There yince wis a medical mervaill

Whae hailt fae the douce toon o Dervel

Bacteria wis killin

Til he fun penicillin

Tae siccar yer chance o survival



There yince wis a fermer fae Yoker

Whae loast aw his siller at poker

They rowpit his sheep

An sellt aw his neeps

Because he thocht aces wur jokers



Thirty-ain o thon buggers!

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Albert Kirk Jr Ye'll aiblins get telt gin ye furthset a quair That whit ye've come up wi is orra an rare, An steuchs lik a hantle o keech on yer shuin, An sair black-affronts aw yer kintra an kin; The

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