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Snotters

Albert Kirk Jr Ma snib is fou o snotters That willnae dreeble oot; They dinnae dreep a thochtie Gin A dicht them wi a cloot. A howk them...

Come On Tae Fuck, Scotland

Albert Kirk Jr A puddock in a kettle Disnae ken it's gonnae dee - But tho we deek wur herrit weird We bide an seek tae dree; A wad the...

Simon

Albert Kirk Jr The brae wis thrang wi bealin chiels Aw ettlin tae skaithe, An ithers cam tae snirt an flyre For want o ocht tae dae; Me?...

Whit Wid Tory Jesus Dae?

Albert Kirk Jr Gin an ootrel willnae droon An his orra hide is broon Pack him aff tae Africa Bi order o The Croon Gin a mither hisnae...

Blackpool

Albert Kirk Jr Auld freend, A rede as marras shuirly maun, It maks me sair tae see yer oorie sichts, Sae reuch in pairts wi hap that's no...

Faur Richt

Albert Kirk Jr Maist o forrit an ayond fares wioot ye. Time's a faem fae whilk ye beb a drap. An naething endures, marras; nae a thing!...

Tartan Day

Albert Kirk Jr It's eneuch tae gar ye bowk: Seeven hunner year - Seeven hunner year - Ahint We dinnae fecht for honour… Thir's still...

The Fashin Polis

Ye dee gin ye fash Ye dee gin ye dinnae fash Sae dinnae fash Or yer gettin the jile The Fashin Polis

Emperour's New Claes

Albert Kirk Jr A hivnae seen baws lik thon Sin yer faither wis still aboot: Ye cuidnae tell him aither but; Some cunts ur juist fou o...

The Structur

Albert Kirk Jr The structur is sae heich that ye cannae rise ower it sae braid that ye cannae shank roon it sae laich that ye cannae...

Leid

Albert Kirk Jr The Scotsman writing in English. The Viceroy snapping his fingers.

Scotch Money

Albert Kirk Jr It's ainlie legal tender gin Ye shove it up thir erse.

The Wit o Solomon

Albert Kirk Jr Strowth, thocht rank auld Solomon, A ken A've seen it duin: shear in hauf a swinkie an ye get yersel twa wirms. It...

Guid Fences Mak Guid Neibours

(Beseekin forgieness fae Rab Frost) Albert Kirk Jr Mind o thon hingmy that disnae luve waws? A'll see it murthert afore a brick faws! Gie...

A Fickle Nae Mair

Albert Kirk Jr An syne, fou o howp, A cam tae twa gates, Ilk gairdit bi a bodie, Gadgies fae the BBC. A sign: Yin gate gangs tae Heiven,...

The Dug

Albert Kirk Jr There yince wis a dug that spak lik a dug: Woof, quo the dug. The dug got telt that woof wisnae a wird: Woof, quo the dug....

Feydom

Albert Kirk Jr In the gairden wi the weans playin fitba on the green (backies oot, nae tae-bashers) we seen a polis helicopter hyne faur...

Smeddum

efter Resumé bi Dorothy Parker Albert Kirk Jr Boris swicks ye; Jacob's a gyte; Rishi rooks ye; An Raab is shite. Gove's no lawfae; Priti...

Takkin Back Control

Albert Kirk Jr tories wid tak the sugar oot yer tea the snotters oot yer beak the marrae oot yer banes the atter oot yer beals the scruif...